Call me the Ebenezer Scrooge of Independence Day if you will, but I am not a big fan of parades. I don't enjoy them. In fact, I came up with a short list of 100 things I'd rather do than sit out in the hot sun on a 100-degree day and watch people slowly walk by over the course of several hours' time, not to mention the traffic logjam that follows driving home from a parade and that bloody fisticuffs that can often ensue when people get into a turf war over saving seats along the parade route.
Here are the first five items on my list:#1. Sit at home and watch a "Honey Boo-Boo" marathon.
#2. Call up the dentist and volunteer for an untried and experimental procedure at his office. No need to compensate me for my time! Happy to do so. I also don't want anesthetic of any kind.
#3. Count the holes in the ceiling, using binary code to keep a tally.
#4. Give a cat a bath.
#5. Collect my belly button lint in a Mason jar. Then, knit a sweater with it. Give it to an ex as a Christmas present.
Okay, so maybe I exaggerate. Just a little.
Another reason why I avoid parades: Clowns tends to appear in them. And clowns are rather frightening to me. I also do not enjoy it when fire trucks burst the crowd's collective ear drums with their horns.
If any of y'all out there in the AWL's fan land - and there are literally a dozen or so of you - please don't take offense if you yourself enjoy parades or you attended one today and enjoyed it. They're fine for many people, just not for me. Plus, I do appreciate that parades give our military and law enforcement officials, for example, an opportunity to be publicly applauded, because they certainly have earned that right.
I also realize that if three spirits happen to visit me in my bedroom tonight and show me the error of my ways, then all bets are off.
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